Mental Notes

I was looking at my journal and realized that payday was coming up.  I wasn't able to contain myself and I exclaimed at the dining table.  I'm afraid that sometimes, it's hard for me to contain my emotions irregardless of who I am with or where I am at. While waiting for my meal, I borrowed a newspaper and saw on the front page about the three people who were going to be executed this week. I suddenly felt bad. While I knew that most of us are looking forward to this week, there are three people who are feeling so dreadful and desperate and helpless all at the same time. I can only imagine what that three people must be feeling at this moment.  I will know eventually what they are feeling when my hour of death comes.  I can only pray for them. I guess that we are all living our own lives.  And we may not be aware of other people's ordeals from day to day.  But it's hard for me not to care about people who are facing their impending doom. The most hurt...

I couldn't sleep last night.  And it was doubly hard for me at work today.  I wasn't able to concentrate at the work at hand.  I got teary eyed during the ride home.  And I was feeling so desperate and scared at the same time. I think I can go crazy any minute now. No amount of reassurance from boyfriend can make me feel secure at the moment.  And when I look at my baby, I want to tell her that I'm truly sorry if ever what I'm so scared becomes a reality. I'm praying like I'm praying for my dear life.  Because it is what it is.  I am praying for dear life right now. If ever you don't hear from me again, it's probably I have gotten so terrified that I can't blog about it.

Well, if the basis were the days we have spent here on earth, I am probably older than you are. But if you look at it in another way, we might be of the same age.  When people asked me years ago what I wanted to be when I grow up, I wasn't able to tell them anything because there was nothing to tell.  I was so happy where I was at at that time that I didn't think I'd be rather somewhere or someone else. I was already old at that time.  Aged, maybe.  I didn't have any dreams because I felt I already attained my happiness.  I've got my toys with me.  I've got my parents with me.  I was enjoying the company of my baby brother (baby then).  I have my sister with me who sometimes I could pester to my heart's content.  And most of all, I've got my books with me.  I had it made... just like an old retiree. But 15 years or so later, I am so restless.  It's like I've got to be somewhere or I've got to do something.  I can't seem t...

It is my first payday ever.  Well, it is in this job.  And I have given myself a treat.  A medium-sized cup of 7/11 French Cappuccino drink.  Before I bought it, just minutes ago, I sent a text message to boyfriend if I could buy one.  I had to do that because he gave me the baon for the week.  And I don't want him thinking that I'm splurging on things.  He told me that when it comes to food, we don't need to save up.  He said, I buy whatever food I want. I wish a nice blouse was edible too.

Death is inevitable. I should have been raised in a way that I would have come to terms with it in order to live fully. I have tried to escape death in so many ways already.  Even if I'm aware of it or not, I somehow manage to live another day.  There are so many close calls already and I wonder why God has allowed for me to go on with living.  Of course, so many people have saved me for so many times already.  They're just not aware that somehow they manage to give me my life back. Despite knowing that life is temporary and death is inevitable, why am still afraid of death? These days, earthquakes and other catastrophes are happening around the world.  And I'm so afraid that we will be hit next.  I am far from being secure when I enter our office building.  Manila has not been hit by a massive earthquake for a long time.  And I'm scared that we may not be spared for long anymore. Around four hours ago, I wasn't aware that Japan was hit by...

I'm definitely going mental. It's 3am and I am finding it hard to go to sleep.  I will surely suffer the consequences later today. When I did get to sleep an hour ago, I had a really bad dream.  And it went something like this: We, my "husband" and I were renting out.  It was really small and there was only one single-sized bed.  It was a really rundown place like it was abandoned for a long time now.  The problem about all this was we were living with my husband's ex.  I noticed that they were starting to get chummy so I pulled him away and out of the room to go some other place else. And then, we were in another room brainstorming for an upcoming business.  And then he was then getting chummy with a new girl.  They were really into a super flirting session.  And I got worried because I was in the room with them but it seemed like I didn't exist at all. I pulled my husband to go to the next room and talk to him.  I asked if he...

I'm praying for more energy to be able to speak lively for thirty (or more) minutes nonstop.  I received a complaint that I was being monotonous.  I don't know if it's because I was running out of energy or I'm just really boring to talk to. I'm really trying my very best and I hope I could learn how to be super lively before my next evaluation because I really need this job. If I fail in this training, it just proves that I'm so pathetic to talk to and my being boring has gotten me jobless.  That's what I get for being mute... I mean, doormat... I mean, meek, all these years.  Tsk!