Mental Notes

Okay so I'm swearing by this:  I'm going back to blogging.  However, I don't know which ones I have to tell out there to nothingness and which I am going to keep in my subconsciousness.  Whatever it is that I want to let out in this web world should just be in the web world.  What I'm going to openly write is things that might be acceptable, relate-able and never anything like that new TV series SENT.  Hopefully, I don't make that mistake.  I do speak forcefully and annoyingly righteous at times.  I don't know if I can really do it in writing.  I'm not organized in physical things let alone, those abstract thoughts jumbled in my mind.  And so, it is with much effort that I would be writing down everything in my mind.  What I'm not saying should be in writing.  Of course, with temperance which I'm working on to let go.  I don't have the option to say anything freely.  Hopefully, I have the option to write freely....

Husband woke up at five this morning and as routine, I also get up from bed.  After realising that it was a Saturday and I don't have to get up from work, I instantly am wide awake.  Hugged my husband before making my own cup of coffee.  He has to go to work so early even if it was raining outside. After getting ready, before getting out of the door, he sent a text message to his client Ryan who was scheduled for a 6am tennis game.  There was no reply.  He tried calling but phone cannot be reached.  He was not getting out of the house until he gets a reply.  He also called the activity center office to ask if the tennis courts were reserved for a certain company and found out that it was booked the whole morning.  And so, 6am class was not possible. Ryan finally sent a response saying that it's okay to move the class at 1pm instead of 6am. Hours after, Ryan and two more tennis players cancelled because of the weather. Even though we need t...

I've been addicted to this game for years now.  And I made my husband addicted to it too.  However, there was a time when we had given up on it.  I was busy with the training and I'd rather sleep in my free time and he basically found a newer game he'd wanted to try. At that time, there was no clan wars.  We aimed for the town hall level 10 because we wanted to freely upgrade everything.  We didn't know that eventually, people will tell us that we had some kind of "T.H. Rush". And now, two years after I decided to delete the app from the iPad, I downloaded it to the phone to see what the fuss was all about. I joined a clan again just to be kicked out minutes later after they found out that I was in my late 30's already.  Saying that I was old before actually kicking me out. The next clan I joined ended up the same way with me getting kicked out because according to them, I was just looting to which I beg to differ.  I didn't know that I had to ...

It's a Sunday.  I'm at work. My four year old daughter is with her grandma attending another kid's birthday party. My husband is off to a tennis class.  Thank God for a livelihood today.  At least one of us is earning. A family day without my family around. I've been browsing the net here in the quarters hoping that I get to have an idea for my research which is long overdue already.  However, I still have nothing.  I was able to do other kinds of research on the internet. I wanted to do a series of podcasts of my own and the moment I get to have a chance, I'm going to write articles for this podcast idea.  One idea should be supported by so many. Let's see.  Well, I wanted to give myself something.  And I came up with something else to do besides think about my God-forsaken research.  (Lord, please send help).

I have no use for this department. I go in and I go out everyday without changing anything in the work place. I don't contribute anything. I have nothing to contribute. I am not so sure if I'm so self-absorbed but I have so many problems to deal with that I can't seem to help other people with theirs. For the next four months, I am in a post where there are no machinery.  That machinery has been long gone early this year.  And everyone who had been in this post all had time in their hands. However, I have no time at all. I have so many things to think about.  So many worries that I have to find solution to. It is so overwhelming that I don't even know what direction to take.  Hence, I'm not moving anywhere. Hearing people of their grand plans and I'm like, I have nothing. at. all. So pathetic.  This is me.  That is how I am. It would be so easy if I'm just living for myself. However, I'm not.  It makes it extra hard and it makes...

I have burned so many bridges in this lifetime that I ran out of ways to cross to the other side. People cannot live on their own. We all need someone.   That's the humbling truth.  We all think of ourselves as self-reliant.  However, there is a limit to our own resources.  We all need help to fill up what we could not provide. When we were young, friendship means having somebody share your interest.  Friends share your victories as well as your struggles in your early life.  They're actually taking over the place of parents as confidants whether your parents like it or not.  They're the ones you turn to. Young people surround themselves with the kind of people who seem fit to their taste.  They crave to be with other people.  It's like a security blanket for them. For adults, friendship becomes a bit cynical.  We need "friends".  And our "friends" need us.  They are there to help you out.  You also need to send he...

They've all gone to Boracay.  I bought a ticket for myself. But I'm here at home, probably thankful for having a reason not to go. I'm not even mad.  Just worried because of the expenses I made for this trip. I got a call when they were still in the airport.  They just found out I'm not joining them. And then I overheard the voice of somebody who brought his mistress with him on the trip.  I heard him say that I should have given the ticket to someone else if I wasn't planning to go. I would give it freely to his children if they wanted to go with him.  Other than that, I'm keeping that ticket.

How I love them. I even welcome them. However, they would cause my downfall. It's going to delay any progress if I'm destined to have any. I've got to turn away from them. It's hard but if I did, I would be so glad that I did.

The phrase "the unloved hate" came from a house music mix playing at the work place.  Yes, we have party music at the office.  It gives us more fun doing our work. There was a speech in that mix and it was clear and should I say, intense enough to hear and understand.  My co-worker told me that it was Charlie Chaplin who was making a speech.  It was a surprise since I thought Charlie Chaplin didn't make any sound.  I was stupidly making assumptions from the movies he made (that I've seen so far).  I didn't know he stood for something. Correct me if I'm wrong but from what I vaguely remember, he was around during the time of war.  And in this speech that I heard for the first time, it was about the war.    And so, I had to search for it and share this link -  The Great Dictators Speech  -  where I found the whole thing. Sometimes, I forget the most important of all - those people that really matters whether they are a...

Work is hard.  And it gets doubly hard when you're working with difficult people. I need a sense of accomplishment.  I chose this life to attain that.  I even chose a job that is paying above the minimum wage even though I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I didn't know what I was signing up for.  I even pulled off the interview to get that "item" in a public institution. That was almost four years ago. My item would last for four years.  I got this one last year and then, I'll surely again get stumped. Those three years didn't come so easy.  It entailed a lot of sleepless nights, humiliation by my consultants in front of my juniors to whom I probably lost all respect and sanctions from my senior residents.  I can't believe I am still keeping up with this job and quitting still hasn't occurred to me yet (unlike my batch mate who threatened to quit thrice already and has gone AWOL and then back again). Despite all the things th...

It's inevitable. You have to compare yourself with the rest of the world or at least the person next to you in order to see how you are doing.  I have always believed that you are your own standard.  In order to be happy, I have to stop comparing myself to others in order to avoid all the unnecessary destructive criticism. But that was just so arrogant of me to think that I'm that good to set a standard all on my own.  Very foolish if not idealistic. I have a sinking feeling that it's too late for me to realize it now.   My peers are already way ahead of me.  They have been “competitive" long before. And just because of that, they were able to find ways in order to widen the gap from others.  They were found competent while I have been too lenient with myself.  I didn't aspire to be anything else other than what I was.  I guess being contented has its downside. However, there is still time.  I am no longer contented.  I foun...

My dad once asked me about the YinYang sign.  He described it and asked what it was about.  Even though my parents had made it big as compared to where they began, they haven't had the privilege to know a lot of things besides making a living. And so they have sent us, their kids, out there to learn what they haven't learned.  This was one of the very few times when I would be asked to help out in something. I knew that the Yin Yang was all living in balance.  I explained that the good and bad in this world is really for the general good.  Not good things are entirely good and not bad things are entirely evil.  There will always be a good in every bad and vice versa. Each one of us takes part in each others' lives.  One cannot stand alone.  In order to find balance, there will always be two or more. Too much of a good thing does not stay as a a good thing anymore.  It loses the pleasure it gives.  When you have it for so long, it...

Long ago, I wouldn't have any clue what THAT was all about.  I've read about it mostly in magazines but have never understood what they were driving at.  Politicking and all other terms, they were actually useless to me. However, this year, I have been dragged and so are the others into office politics.  It's like each encounter was a round in a boxing match.  There's no time limit.  And the punches keep piling up.  Some people duck while the others catch every punch.  Most are spectators.  And some don't even know what is going on until they get punched in the jawline themselves.   With all those getting involved, there is no fair fight.   When someone throws a punch, the next move is to make yours.  It's like an exhausting cycle.  And in order to get people in your team, you resort to back-stabbing, name calling.  You name it, they do it.   Personally, I'm quite sick of it all.  Who damn cares a...

I have never underestimated the power of a smiling face.   On my way home from work, my driver (Kuya Sergio) stopped at a red light at the intersection of EDSA and East Avenue in Diliman.  Pedestrians were scrambling about trying to hurry in crossing the street.  They were in groups.  And then a few seconds before THEIR green light turns red, there was a man who was jogging his way across the street with a genuine smile on his face.  I was quite certain that he wasn't smiling because he is beating the red light for pedestrians. Oh happy thoughts!   I don't know what was the reason behind his smile and I will probably never know.  However, I'm sure that it came from deep within.  That kind of smile is out of true happiness.  It wasn't even a big smile of satisfaction nor excitement.  It was subtle however, it was contagious.  He would never know that someone who saw him smile made that someone smile (That was me, of course. ...

I don’t understand it but this entry is yet again about a good night’s sleep.   However, this time I don’t need to step on anyone to get one.   Tonight, it was an all-guy’s night (except for me).   And so when all the other non-duty people are out drinking in a nearby place (namely Trellis), the other guys I’m on duty with are going to go out and follow.   I just had to say yes.   When the machines are down in this department, there is nothing else to do for the senior-on-call.   There is no point in holding my guy friend from having his fun out with the other guys.   It turned out I’m the lucky senior who will get a call from Surgery that they had a portable and asked if I could come up the ward to do the thing we do. And so, after a few hours, the guys went back finding out that I actually did something while they were having fun.   It must have been remorse on their part that made them promise that they won’t bother me for ...

When there are two people vying for the same bed for a good night’s sleep, there would be some kind of awkwardness.   There are lots of sleeping areas here in the department but only one bed that has that more-than-acceptable mattress.   And the senior gets that bed.   Tonight, I’m the female senior on-duty.   My fellow senior is a guy and so he gets to sleep on the carpeted floor – inhaling everything including the spores from that carpet.   Poor guy.   It’s an unspoken rule since I started in this workplace and that was three years ago, that the senior gets to sleep in this (I’m on it already) bed.   But beforehand, I had to suggestively ask the female junior where she was planning to sleep.   I offered that she could sleep on the bed above me (it was a double-decker).   However, she said she’d sleep on the wooden bench, instead. Oh I’m sure she was wishing I wasn’t on duty with her.   I partly felt bad that she has to...

I am so sleepy and so tired right at this very moment.  I just pulled the blogger window in order to babble and take out my thoughts in order not to knock myself off my chair.  Everything seems heavy.  My shoulders, my upper eyelids... you name it, we got it almost ready to lie down. I boiled drinking water in the teapot and I  didn't wait for it to whistle away.  I just want my Swiss Miss dissolved and ready to drink.  It seems it's the only thing that uplifts my spirit and my whole being up. When I'm this tired, I'm beginning to be resentful.  I'm resenting people who doesn't have to stay up late at night to work.  Thank goodness for hot chocolate.  I don't have to be so resentful for so long.  Every sip slowly wakes me up  more and more.  It's so unlike coffee.  Maybe coffee has lost its affect on me.  I'm no longer a coffee slave.  For a few minutes, chocolate is the most desirable.  

Okay, I've got only thirty minutes to write this - whatever this is. These days it's so hard to gather my thoughts and write them down mainly because I don't have time (and the place) to do so.  And finally, now that they (my daughter and my husband) are asleep, I have some time to sit down and do this - again, whatever this is. I can only afford to tweet these days.  However, that's how far my mind can go right now - a 150-character thought.  It's hard for me to be eloquent on that level so you can just imagine how hard it is for me to be eloquent on this one.     I don't want this to end up as a complaint or rant just because I miss those times when I've got time in my hands.  I am leading the life I want these days.  It's not easy but it is what I wanted (and still want).  And I'm not even regretting that a lot has been lost but not to the extent that I lost all of those important to me.  In fact, I have gained so many and that i...

A month ago, there were so many blackouts in the hospital due to faulty electrical wiring.  It occurred at an average of five (5) times a day.  It was a hassle for everyone and patients were complaining already.  Everyone was struggling with their work.  And people were blaming the engineering department and the people in the top offices.  You could see power banks everywhere.  And people were charging their gadgets in between blackouts.   I guess people learned how to adapt.  After months (yes, months) of daily blackouts, no one was complaining about it.  Everyone was even expecting (and welcoming) its onset.  The staff were trying to cope up with it.  They were doing double time when the lights are on but it wasn't enough.  The blackout was everyone's excuse for unfinished tasks. However, it was different for the patients (and their relatives).  I could only imagine the terrible discomfort they must be feeling. ...

I recall those days when I was much younger than now and thinking that cartoons will always be for me.  I even said to myself before that I will never prefer the shows adult watch over my favorite cartoons.  I guess I was wrong because I evolved. There was a change of preference in terms of the what I wanted to see or hear on TV.  I got over  my pretend phase.  Well, not really.  Watching actors on a show doesn't get me out of that zone.  I still like the life I don't lead.  Somehow, the real people seem better to watch than those whom I am used to.  I began watching TV shows that my dad watches.  I find them more exciting and the cartoons a bit of a bore. I was addicted to TV.  But these days, not so much.  Maybe because of lack of time.  I try to catch the news. And that was it.  However, when I was younger, I really spent the whole day in front of the television, even forgetting my daily chores and self-care (w...